Stop Asking, Start Listening
October marked the start of Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Initially, it was difficult to decide where to start when I sat down to write this blog. There are so many different ways to approach this topic, and with everything else that’s been going on in the world, I wasn’t sure if I could spend more energy focusing on something that brings emotional, mental, and physical pain to so many. As I thought more about it, I wanted to introduce this topic with information that helps to educate and empower, to let us know that we DO have a say in how we respond to survivors. We CAN make a difference in the lives of the people around us. We MUST do more to eradicate the pandemic of violence. It does seem like a large task, but here’s how we can start. After many years spent working with people who’ve been affected by power-based personal violence, there’s one thing that I wish I could get people to understand...it’s not that simple.
“Why would you stay? How did you miss it? Why didn’t you tell someone? Why don’t you just leave?”
When we ask questions like this, we’re making survivors question their own intelligence. It makes them feel as though they should have known better, should have made different choices, should have been able to do something. They begin doubting their self-worth, their ability to reason, and their decision making skills. It makes them feel less than. You know who else makes them feel this way? Their abuser.
People stay, because: They believe they don’t deserve better. The violent outbursts happen less frequently than the happy moments they spend together. They’re convinced they won’t find another partner. They’ve been manipulated into believing “the last time” really was the last time.
People “missed it”, because: Their partner was never violent until they moved in together, got married, had a baby, etc. They were taught that violence is physical, not mental or emotional. They grew up in an abusive household, and believe that this is what love looks like.
People don’t tell someone, because: They’re embarrassed, ashamed, or in denial. Victim-blaming is prevalent in our society. They don’t have the language to describe what’s happening to them. Justice is rarely served when it comes to domestic violence incidents.
People don’t just leave, because: Leaving an abusive partner can be incredibly dangerous. They’re financially dependent on the abusive partner. Access to transportation and housing isn’t always available. Children or pets are included in the mix.
It’s common for people with disabilities to feel like they don’t have control over their own decisions, or that their options are often limited. This makes it very easy for a manipulative partner to convince them that they don’t deserve to be treated better, or that they would never find another relationship. Suddenly, people are forced to choose between being alone, or being with someone who occasionally hurts them with their words or actions. (It’s important to remember that most abusive partners are not always physically abusive - this is what creates the dilemma for the victim).
In the coming weeks, I’ll share more about why these questions are not helpful, as well as ways that you can actually support survivors. For now, remember to stop asking questions. Giving someone the opportunity to speak openly and honestly is the first step to giving them their power back.